Do you find yourself doing the same-old – whether be it sex position, technique or order in which you do them – during sex? Have you found your mind wandering in the midst of sex because it is simply not as exciting as before? Would you admit that you are bored during sex with your partner, and not actually with sex?
If you said yes to any of the above, read on!
- Own it. When I say “it”, I mean your sex life! You are the other 50% of the relationship. You possess more control and influence in every aspect of your life than you could possibly realise. Claim back the power that is yours! Rather than continue to complain, wonder or wait for things to improve in the bedroom, know that the fastest way for change to happen is to do something about it. Own your part in the issue in making things better!
- Dream. What would you like changed exactly? What are you not happy with? If you are not unhappy – just plain bored, in what ways is it so for you? What would make things better? Alright… now let’s not settle for just better. How about the best sex in your life? What would make sex mind-blowing? Yeah now we’re onto something!
- Look up. There’s a saying, “We don’t know what we don’t know”. Did you find yourself stuck at the above suggestion of fantasizing about your ideal sex life because it’s been so long you’ve done anything fun in the bedroom that it feels like a twilight zone to you? Be curious about possibilities. Where might you search for inspiration? No idea is a bad idea right now. Just explore around, for instance on the internet.
- Quit comparing. While you are conducting your research about sexual possibilities, I like to remind you that it is often easy to start comparing your sex life with the lives of others. Without being in their bedroom, there is no way we can tell with certainty that theirs is more satisfying than yours. Rather than get caught up with all that, bring your focus back to you and what you would like to do. You can’t go wrong there. Sex between consenting adults is all about having fun!
- File away your ideas. A strange thing happens when we begin to be open to possibilities; they show up in the oddest of places. It might be in the supermarket where you will find props that you could use for sensory deprivation or sensuous delights. Don’t rush and buy a whole bunch of things but file your finds away as ideas to be retrieved later on.
6. Pleasure + Joy = Ecstasy. I like to introduce you to this formula. You see, sex is not just about pleasure and feeling good – thought that is often the point. When you allow your inner child to emerge it becomes unadulterated fun, joyful and delightful. This is when ecstatic experiences are to be had.
7. Reclaim your joy. We all have roles and take on responsibilities. We also express our love, care and affection to those around us. We work, we sleep, we repeat it all over again – day in and out. Do you take care of yourself the same way you regard the most precious person in your life? If not, you may have the order wrong. Until you know how to take extreme self-care and express ultimate self-love, your joy may have been missing for some time. Fill yourself up, and let your inner child come out and play sometimes, and ecstatic experiences – including in the bedroom, will not be faraway.
8. Talk it out. After all this time, you don’t think I’d let you go by not talking to your partner about the lack of sizzle in the bedroom? You’ve done your inner reflection, sought inspiration, developed some ideas of your own, and also begun to recognise some of what you need for you. There isn’t any need for fault-finding or finger-pointing. It’s about having a heartfelt discussion from where you feel you’re at, and listening to what’s going on at your partner’s side.
9. Give it time. Improvements to your sexual life may not happen at the pace that you like. However, note, acknowledge and celebrate small process. It will encourage your partner and yourself to keep at it, including chipping at your shyness about talking about sex, your awkwardness about trying new things, your embarrassment at not knowing all the answers (who does?). It’s all about having fun, and willing to laugh at yourself, along the way.
10. Seek support. If you have both given things time, and done what you felt is your best within your abilities, there really is no need to plough along dogmatically. There are many qualified and compassionate professionals who are help both of you short-cut your way to a better and more fulfilling sex life and relationship. I wish you all the best!
Founder of Eros Coaching, Dr. Martha Tara Lee is a Clinical Sexologist who conducts sexuality and intimacy coaching as well as runs sexuality educational events. Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, Men’s Health Malaysia, Durex Singapore Facebook page as well as Durex Malaysia Facebook page. She was recognised as one of Top 50 Inspiring Women under 40 by Her World in July 2010, and one of Top 100 Inspiring Women by CozyCot in March 2011. She is author of newly-released book Love, Sex and Everything In-Between. More here
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