What Long-term Relationships are Really About

Posted On: February 13, 2020

Many years ago, I became good friends (and still am) with an older male friend. He was very tolerate of my childish ways and I couldn’t comprehend the depth and width of his heart and patience until I met his wife.

She admitted to me in that one meeting that she has obsessive compulsive tendencies. Because he was a close friend of mine, I decided to be brave and ask him what was puzzling me. I appreciate so much his answer and his answer is what I sometimes share with my clients.

Recalling from memory:

I asked: “I finally understand why you can put up with me (as a friend). It’s because your wife is much worse than me!”
He: (laughs)
Me: “You told me she has depressive episodes. It must not have been easy for you. Have you ever thought of leaving her?”
Him: “It never got that bad.”
Me: “Surely you don’t need to wait for bad to leave?”
Him: “No really, it never got that bad. Each time, I was about to call it quits… she would have enough awareness to get help… so it never got that bad.”

Then it dawned on me… a long-term marriage sometimes works not because it is working well, but because it wasn’t bad enough (by their standards)!

Me: “You’re such a nice guy and I can see you making many people… anybody… very happy. Why would you want to stay with her?”
Him: “It did cross my mind. But ultimately… we are better together than apart.”

When the honeymoon period is over, and the storming/ norming/ comfort zone phases set in… it is the day-to-day compatibility/ communication/ respect that counts. There is beauty in the mundance, and simple as well.

I have learned much through my studies, clients, experiences, and friends. You can seek relationship and sexuality coaching/ counseling support here www.eroscoaching.com/services.

#love #life #marriage #living #communication

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.

Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

         
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