Last 9 Things I Wish I Learned In Sex Ed—Part 4 of 4

Posted On: November 7, 2012

What exactly is “normal,” “correct,” and “acceptable” when it comes to sex and sexuality?

One does not set out to be a sexuality educator, not one coming from a typical Chinese family anyway. I became one to help people because I was tired to sex always talked about in negative ways.

Here are the last nine of 36 things that I wish I learned in sex-ed as a teenager. You can read part 1, part 2 and part 3 here.

  1. Alcohol may relax you. Alcohol may make you perform better sexually. But alcohol also numbs sensation and pleasure, and inhibits judgment.
  2. If you experience pain when engaging in self pleasuring, when performing oral sex on somebody, or when giving or receiving penetrative sex (vaginal or anally), slow down or stop! Always listen to your body!
  3. If we listen to the signals our body sends us, why do we not listen to what our heart tells us? When we become better at identifying and expressing our emotional feelings, we become more socially adept in establishing and building relationships. The more socially adept we become, the better we feel and the better our relationships will be.
  4. We get caught up with what is “normal,” “correct,” and “acceptable.” It dominates our thinking on everything from length and size of anatomical parts, to sexual frequency, duration, and positioning. Especially in sex, there is actually no such thing called “normal.”
  5. Always regard negative statistics and studies relating to sex and sexuality with a pinch of salt. Such reports are only as accurate as the quality of their sample and manner in which the study was conducted, and sometimes by whom it was funded. They do not necessarily represent the rest of the world, and most likely, they do not represent you.
  6. Modern science tells us that homosexuality is a human variation, not a mental illness and, therefore, has no need for a cure. One’s sexual orientation has no bearing on their value system or the quality of their character. Homosexuals are perfectly capable of being faithful and forming happy and long lasting relationships.
  7. Discount negative media portrayals of queer people. These stereotypical images are used to help move the plot along quickly.
  8. Instead view ALL humans as unique individuals with varied sexual desires, needs, and wants, who may choose to express their sexuality in ways that society may not consider “normal.” (But remember, there is no such thing as ‘normal.’)
  9. Your relationship with sex and your sexuality will change, and sometimes that change is on a daily basis. For instance, for post-pregnancy women, some parts will change. Beyond accepting and understanding the changes of your body is to work with what you have. It is common to experience some form of sexual anxiety in your life. Should you be distressed and your condition has not changed in six months, you may wish to seek professional support.

That’s it. All 36 things I wish I learned! Did you wish there were other items on this list? Be sure to read part 1, part 2 and part 3 here.

Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. For more, visit

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