There is a fine line between of sharing experiences and advice giving. One is relating what happened to you. The other is telling me what you think will help.
Most of us do the second because we have had lots of people give us unsolicited advice through our lives telling us “It’s for your own good”, “It’s out of love”, and in short: “I know better so take it!”.
Unless we are ready to receive advice, advice
Can be just words/ noise/ sound
Perceived as an irritant: “Not now! I don’t want to go there!”
Feel invasive/ intrusive/ smouldering/ too much
Or can feel dismissive/ belittling/ scolding.
Advice giving will go down better if the advice giver:
Get the Context: More background/ facts before advice being given, “You say… Help me understand…”
Obtain Consent: Ask for permission before giving advice, “Are you asking me for advice?” or “Are you open to some advice?”
Prepare the Recipient: After asking for permission, tell them it’s coming. They can then brace themselves to receive! “This is my advice…”
Disclaimer: Let the advice go! Explain you are not attached to their subsequent actions and the outcome. “That’s all I have to say and it’s all up to you to decide what to do.”
Your time and advice is valuable. Don’t do what is unwanted, unneeded and ineffective. Don’t irritate, alienate, or annoy people. Don’t buy into the excuse that because you haven’t had any modeling of conscious advice giving before that you don’t know what to do or how to be different. Try the tips above. When we practice something with awareness and intention, we inadvertently get better at it.
When we were young, we behaved childishly. Now as adults, we need to adopt mature ways, and learn how to do better. We can all support one another to do better. May all be well.
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
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