Our Relationship with our Sexuality is Important

Posted On: October 29, 2019

I have been practising as a Clinical Sexologist and Sexuality Educator since 2009 – long before it was fashionable, or sexy, or money-making to talk about sex and sexuality in Singapore, or for that matter in Asia as an Asian. Many people ask me why I do what I do. I am passionate about supporting people to realise their sexual potential and come into themselves as happy sexual beings. I also do what I do because I view our sexuality as important to our identities as persons.

I asked five of my friends to talk about why they view sexuality as important and these were their answers:

 

1) “Self confidence comes from being comfortable in our own skin and in our body. Naturally, this includes being comfortable in our sexuality and how to take care of ourselves in this area.

I believe that we can reclaim and heal any hurt or pain from the past by acknowledging our limitations, identifying any problem areas or challenges and facing these head-on, be it accepting therapy sessions, or being open to explorations, new ideas and adventure.

There are always new things to learn, creative ideas to try out. We only limit ourselves by our minds. Get out, talk, feel, imagine… There are new things to discover everyday.” –  Angelyn Seet, Director, Tree of Life Birth Pte Ltd 

2) “Sexuality is an organic, integral and intrinsic part of our human experience. Our realtionship with our own sexuality is closely tied to our sense of self. Total acceptance and safe expression of our sexual identities and nature as sexual beings will go a long way to fostering a healthy self image. Completely embracing and expressing rather than repressing and shaming this essential facet of being human allows us to align with empathy, compassion, vulnerability and our humanity.

Coming to terms with the totality and wholeness of who you are takes time, awareness and commitment. Stand naked in front of the mirror every morning and gradually become comfortable with your body, looks and the essence of who you are. Realize that you are already enough right now and that you are never alone.

Many already love you just the way you are, but ultimately their approval of you does not matter as much as that you love and accept yourself fully as a sexual human being. Support and guidance are always readily available. Join a community or support group. Finally, seek out and undergo sessions with a trained and experienced professional therapist or counselor that specializes in human sexuality.” – Luke Elijah, Spiritual Life Coach, Heaven on Earth 

3) “Because society is so narrow-minded about sex, it’s defaulted it to an act, to a thing we do. It’s not. Sex is personality. Who we are sexually is a fundamental driver of how we feel about ourselves, other people, our relationships, our lives, our happiness. Half the problem is the guilt and shame we’ve been taught to imbue sex with. In 10 years of working on MakeLoveNotPorn I have seen every day the enormous human misery and unhappiness wrought by guilt, shame and embarrassment around this most universal and most natural human attribute and experience.

If we were all comfortable with ourselves as sexual beings, self-accepting and accepted by others, it would transform the world and society in dramatic ways. The way to begin to reclaim/heal this relationship is to talk about it – both in the public domain (by which I mean parents to children, teachers to schools, everyone to everyone) but especially critically, privately, in your intimate relationships. This is precisely why MLNP exists – to socialize and normalize sex to make it easier for every single person in the world to talk about it openly and honestly, to promote self-acceptance, understanding of others, consent, communication, good sexual values and good sexual behavior.

We hear every day from our members about how we are helping them do that in their own lives – eg: https://talkabout.makelovenotporn.tv/2019/07/11/what-mlnp-has-done-for-me/” – Cindy Gallop, Founder & CEO, MakeLoveNotPorn 

4) “Our relationship with our sexuality is often one of the most under nourished and under developed relationships we have. With so many conflicting messages from the media, the culture we live in, our family, friends, and partners, it’s very confusing and leaves many people feeling that there’s something very wrong with them.

With sex education usually being terrible, we grow into adulthood having very little clue about our bodies or sexuality, and questioning if it’s really *that* important after all. One of the first steps we can take to reclaim our sexuality is to get informed.

Read books, listen to podcasts, watch videos, go to workshops. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your sexuality, the more empowered you become. I also encourage you to nurture your sexuality as you would nurture any other aspect of you, and to include pleasure in your wellness routine.” – Lucy Rowett, Certified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist 

5) “Our sexuality is the core of what we are. We were all created with sexual energy. A dysfunctional relationship with our sexuality is to inhibit and deny an inate part of our nature. Our sexuality is also usually tied up in areas which we are the most vulnerable, traumatised, insecure and/or guilty about.

Our hang-ups with our sexuality can stem from many areas such as culture, upbringing, trauma, guilt, inappropriate relating and fixed ideas, among others.

To begin to reclaim this relationship, we have to look deeply within ourselves and clear our relationship to our sexuality. The benefit in doing this is that the past moves into the past and stops preventing anything better from taking place in the present. With this project completed, one can integrate the lessons and clear the path forward for what one wants in these areas now.”Lionel Koh, Director/Clearer/Trainer/Coach, Maven Communications Pte Ltd

 

 And me…

“Most of us receive some kind of training and support to be the mentally, emotionally, physically, financially equipped person that we are. However when it comes to our sexuality, we don’t really understand what it means other than it consisting of the word ‘sex’ inside. 

We come from sex, and our sexual energy is the energy that resides within us. It is akin to an internal spring that keep running and flowing, and cannot help but want to be expressed. Our sexuality refers to our relationship with us – the sexual person.

The more we are equipped with sexual information, the more we integrate them as our sexual knowledge. Sexual knowledge turns into sexual skills with practice, and translates to sexual confidence and mastery. People who are sexually confident are happy, expressed, and safe people. It is so important we learn, understand, know, practice (solo and/ or with our partner), express our sexuality so we are realised and happy. People who are happy are also more likely to be relaxed, expressed, and happy in other areas of their lives.” – Dr. Martha Tara Lee, Relationship Counselor & Clinical Sexologist, Eros Coaching Pte Ltd

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.

Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

         
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