Overcome Your Hate of Small Talk

Posted On: November 5, 2019

I used to hate ‘small talk’ and know people who hate it too – preferring ‘big talk’ instead. Small talk is when you talk about something or anything of unimportant or uncontroversial matters. Yet even small talk is very telling of people.

Depending on their answer,

  1. One can tell whether they are open, curious, happy, positive people (or vice versa: closed-minded, negative, shy, pessimistic) – aka who they are.
  2. It can also unveil more clearly their current energy level and/ or mood (not who they are but who they are right now).
  3. It can facilitate ease into other more interesting topics so it is actually the lubrication need for transition to ‘bigger talk’.

I learned how to put aside my aversion to small talk through all this self-talk:

  • Putting self/ ego aside: “It’s not about me (not about how much I like/ dislike small talk). It’s about meeting them where they are comfortable.”
  • Taking back control: “Let’s start with small talk… and navigate this to bigger talk.”
  • Not giving away power: “Just because we start this.. doesn’t mean I have to continue talking about what I don’t like to.”
  • Viewing this as an opportunity: “Let’s just see how I feel and where I go with this.”
  • Don’t know what you don’t know: “I just might learn something I don’t know through them.”
  • Connection: “Don’t be so freaking serious all the time. Connect first, walk in their shoes and you just might ‘fall in love’ with them as a person.”
  • Not good at this: “I have to start somewhere. I need to practice and I will definitely get better at it.”
  • Aloof to me: “I don’t know what they’re going through. I don’t have to talk this personal. Maybe they hate small talk as much as I do.”
  • Reframe when bored: “This is a chance for me to practice patience, compassion, and love.”
  • When I don’t like the person: “What is likeable about them? Let me look deeper…”

Hope this helps. What are your thoughts about small talk, and overcoming aversion to small talk?

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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.

Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

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