Satire about Online Dating

Posted On: February 3, 2020

Ever notice how dating app profiles state anything along the lines of:

  1. “Age is just a number…” when the person is older and insecure about their age (especially 45 and above)?
  2. “Looking for young/ positive/ fun/ spontaneous/ bubbly/ liberal/ adventurous open minded people” when what they want is a hook up?
  3. “Something casual” when they’re traveling through, lonely, and want sex tonight?
  4. “No drama” when they mean they want casual sex without you having any boundaries (including sex without condom) otherwise you are drama?
  5. “Keep things light” means “Don’t tell me anything about you since I’m not asking and won’t remember anything anyway”?
  6. “Seeking relationship” when they don’t actually know what they are looking for?
  7. “Seeking serious relationship” means they’re about to bombard you with questions to qualify you as possible spouse before ghosting you?
  8. “No time wasters please” means “My biological clock is ticking”?
  9. “Never been married” or “No baggage” means they are looking for the elusive perfect somebody who doesn’t exist?
  10.  “Ok if you have kids” means “I think I’m too old to have kids, don’t want any more kids (if they already had), and don’t ever try to change my mind!”?
  11. “No kids please” means “I need to be the centre of your universe”?
  12. “Newly single” means “I want lots of sex. I don’t want love, commitment, or marriage and you can’t make me!”?
  13. “Love sex” means they want you to think they will fall in love with you if you give them lots of “good” sex?
  14. “Love giving oral” means they will keep their head between your thighs until you beg for mercy?
  15. “Love being pampered” means don’t expect them to pay a single cent for any dates?
  16. “Am generous” or “love to pamper” means “I am willing to be a sucker, and pay for everything on our dates as long as you don’t actually identify as a sex worker”?
  17. “All for equality” means “We will always go “dutch” because deep down I am just selfish”?
  18. “No sex workers please” means “I think non sex workers give more psychological pleasure because I am not paying them directly, and I can lie to myself we have a real connection”?
  19. “No ladyboys/ transgender/ T girls” means “I can’t tell the difference and I’m afraid of what I don’t know”?
  20. “Looking for that special someone” or “seeking intellectual equal” when they actually think they are smarter/ better than anybody else?
  21. “Seeking adventure/ travel buddy” means “You and I have sex when we travel but you will have to pay all your own expenses”?
  22. “Like independent people” or “self starters” means they don’t want to hear anything remotely negative about your life?
  23. “Work long hours” means “I overcompensate for my insecurities with the size of my wallet and this won’t change even if I change my job/industry so you need to know this now and deal with long evenings alone if we ever get married”?
  24. “Serial entrepreneur” or “successful businessman” means “I’m happy to give you some work/ business advice but I still want sex”?
  25. “Was raised right” or “respectful” or “gentleman” means “I can wait longer than anybody I know for sex but I still want sex”?
  26. “Looks doesn’t matter” means they hope their size doesn’t matter?
  27. “Personality more important” means “Please have a life because I will live vicariously through you”?
  28. “Am a happy person” means they will make fun of you and crack self depreciating jokes because they don’t know how else to be?
  29. “Am xxx tall” means they get noticed a lot and please don’t be too short?
  30. “Am a passionate person” means you can expect them to grab you in the lift, pull your hair during sex, and for sex to be over in less than five seconds?
  31. “Am a sporty person” means they sweat a lot in the bedroom, and you’d need to turn your head away before their sweat enters your eye and stings like a bee when they’re on top of you during sex?
  32. “Average/ normal/ ordinary” when they mean they are underachievers in everything?
  33. “New in town” means “Seeking free local tour guide and fuck buddy till I get orientated and settled”?
  34. “Travels a lot” means they will never be at one place long enough to go on a date?
  35.  “Taking time off work” or “traveling for a few months” means jobless and purposeless?
  36. “Looking for (right) chemistry/ connection” means “This is vague enough that this will be my way out later”?
  37. “Looking for friends” means “I’m actually married and/ or emotionally unavailable, but I’m here because I want to bitch about my life, chat your ear off, and use you as an excuse to cheat on my partner”?
  38. “Stuck in sexless marriage because of kids” means “I am playing victim game here + see above point”?
  39. “Looking to chat” means “We will never meet in person because I am married/ emotionally unavailable/ testing waters/ have nothing better to do especially at night”?
  40. “Love meeting new friends/ exploring new cultures” means “I will “milk” you of everything you have to share about your life/ upbringing/ culture while offering nothing about me because I am a curious person”?
  41. “Am patient/ good listener” means “I will listen to anything you throw at me whenever and however long you like as long as we end up having sex”?
  42. “Married but looking” or “Married but available (MBA)” means “I want sex with other people, but I am too jealous/ selfish/ possessive to let my partner do the same”?
  43. “In open relationship” means “Don’t ever expect anything between us to replace my one true love”?
  44. “Just checking this out” means “I’m too cool to admit I’m lonely (single or otherwise)”?
  45.  “See how it goes” means “I need sex tonight and I’m going to beg and emotional blackmail you to have sex with me as long as I can get you infront of me!”?

Having said all this, obviously it is possible to find love through online dating and I do believe in love. However, online dating can get tiresome and one needs to pace themselves and be careful not to burn out/ get jaded/ cynical about finding love. This is where relationship counseling/ coaching can be useful. Please sign up for my services here.

#justforfun #decoding #politicallyincorrect #cheatsheet #lifeislikethat #cannotmakethisup #onlinedating #datingprofiles #saywhatyoumean #findingnemo

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.

Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

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