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Years ago, I started thinking of myself as the village elder because of the number of women (and couples) who come to me seeking advice on consummating their marriage, and who have primary vaginismus. I used to envy women younger than me because I didn’t have the internet or social media growing up, and I didn’t have YouTube, Instagram, Shopee, GrabFood and access to all the many creative ways one can style themselves.
But this, I do remember about being a younger woman… which I NEVER EVER want to go back to and DO NOT miss was: how scared I felt about being born a woman.
I hate how men should stare – look my body up and down, and continue jeering at me through my commutes. I believed if I wasn’t born in Singapore, I would fear for my safety even life – but nevertheless it is a fear that I have come to realise is universal of all women.
I have had men trying to get my attention – following me, trying to get my attention including blocking my path. I remember drivers honking from their cars on empty roads just to force me to turn towards the sound, so as to see my face. I remember how during one heavy downpour, a truck driver did exactly that – honk loudly to see me turn towards the sound as I was clutching onto my umbrella. He did a catcall and laughed as I nearly jumped out of my skin at the traffic light.
I have felt a whole range of emotions being born a woman – sad, made, scared, mad, and livid. I have HATED being born a woman. And more than being born a woman, I have HATED being a young woman.
I can imagine how confusing, how debilitating, how horrible it can be to be a young person finding their own way. It’s not alright for one gender to get to say, and do whatever they like whenever they like. We’re seeing the ugly side of sexuality due to the lack of real honest and adult conversations and education around sex and sexuality. I haven’t been surprised by the media reports of sexual violence in a society where media censorship of the past doesn’t work any more.
There are so many negative experiences I’ve had with men – and yet I love how I can support them in my work now. I refuse to hate men (they are not the enemy!), and choose to do something rather than nothing. If you have ideas of how or what I should do more of, please let me know. If you would like to volunteer your time or support me in my work in any form, please let me know.
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Resident Sexologist for PinkLifestyle.com; as well appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
