I am not a Nobody and Neither are You!

Posted On: July 13, 2022

I am not a Nobody and NeitherI had a mother who used to keep saying that she became a nobody when she retired. I saw how this belief reduced her to behaving like a nobody whose power and sense of self seem to be robbed from her even though she had to be so much more than her job. She was also a mom – my mom. She was never a nobody to me.

I didn’t want to be like my mom in this aspect. I didn’t want my identity to revolve around my job, important as it is, and as passionate as I am about it. So when I became a Sexologist and supposedly became “somebody”, I did my own inner work.

I used to repeatedly ask myself, “Who are you if you’re not a Sexologist? Are you just a Sexologist? Are you more than a Sexologist? How can you be more than a Sexologist?”

I dug deep and I found my own answers: I’m a daughter, auntie, friend, lover, human…. And then there’s what makes me me – my wit, humor, intellect, knowledge, life experience, and compassion for humanity for instance. There’s innate value in every single being (and thing) and even if I accomplish nothing with my life, I’m still a somebody never a nobody. Nobody is a label I never want to reduce myself to – it’s taking away my own power and falling into victimhood.

I’ve always held onto the belief  that even if everything was taken from me suddenly one day and I couldn’t do my work anymore, that I’d still be ok because I am indeed more than a Sexologist. There are many other things I can do, many other causes I’m passionate about, and many other people I can help.

Contrary to what people might think, believe, and say about me – how I must do what I do for fame, riches, popularity, or whatever else… I’ve always known my inner truth. I do what I can to help people. One day or when I couldn’t continue, I’d be ok too knowing I did my best to help people during the time I did it.

What I do is part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am more than what I do. There’s no way anybody can know every aspect of what makes me me and not everybody has earned the right to my inner world and thoughts. I’m perfectly at peace being my own best friend.

Because I’ve done my own inner work around my self-value, self-worth, and self-identity, I am less affected when people misunderstand me and I can only imagine how hard it can be for some people who are still finding their way to themselves, hence sharing all this publicly. I didn’t want to say all this and risk hurting my mom when she was alive. I’ve learned so much about who I want to be and don’t want to be from her – I will always be grateful.

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About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice since 2009, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.

Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Clinical Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

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