No one shapes our views on sex, intimacy, and self-worth quite like our mothers—whether they say it out loud or not. Sometimes, their lessons are clear and intentional; other times, they seep into us through silence, warnings, or contradictions we only untangle years later.

From traditional beliefs about love and marriage to mixed messages about desirability and body image, the ways our mothers spoke (or didn’t speak) about sex shaped not just how we see relationships, but how we see ourselves.

In this piece, four Asian women—Dr. Martha Tara Lee (Singapore), Eve Lim Wei Jia (Malaysia), Brightly Abby (Philippines), and Clementine Liu (China)—reflect on the lessons they absorbed from their mothers, what they had to unlearn, and how they ultimately reclaimed their own sexual identities.

Brightly Abby – The Woman Who Had to Unlearn Mixed Messages

You ever have one of those aha moments where you realize half your adult problems can be traced back to things your mom said when you were 12? Yeah. Me too.

Mothers have a way of shaping our views on love, intimacy, and self-worth—sometimes in ways that are beautiful, sometimes in ways that make you realize like, Damn, so THAT’S why I can’t accept compliments.

For me, love growing up wasn’t I love yous and warm hugs—it was “Have you eaten?” and “Why are you sleeping so much? Are you sick? Pregnant?” (Mom, I’m just tired.)

And intimacy? Let’s just say if sex was ever mentioned in our house, it was either 1) a warning, 2) a sin, or 3) both. So, naturally, I grew up thinking pleasure was some forbidden fruit, meant only for people in secret societies who somehow cracked the code.

Oh, the messages we got:

• “Don’t wear that, you’ll attract the wrong attention.” (What is the right attention? And where do I sign up for it?)
• “Boys only want one thing.” (Okay, are we sure about that?)
• “Good girls don’t talk about sex.” (Guess I’m a villain now. Cool.)

Basically, we were told to be desirable but not too much, confident but not intimidating, beautiful but unaware of it. So basically… exist, but don’t be perceived? Make it make sense, Mom.

Honestly, the best thing I ever did was unlearn half the nonsense I internalized growing up. Healing is basically looking at your own brain and going: Who put that thought there? And why are they living in my head rent-free?

So here’s what worked for me:

1. Question Everything – Ask yourself: Who told me this? Is it true? Would Beyoncé believe this? If the answer is no, delete it.
2. Give Yourself Permission – You can enjoy your body. You can have pleasure. You can feel sexy without guilt. And you do not need an approval slip from the council of aunties.
3. Create Your Own Definition of Intimacy – Whether that means indulging in self-pleasure, setting boundaries, or finally wearing that dress your mom side-eyed—own it.
4. Break the Cycle – If we want a world where women don’t whisper the word sex like it’s a murder confession, we have to be the ones to normalize it.

At the end of the day, you get to be the main character in your own story Make it funny, make it sexy, make it yours. Your mom may not have hyped you up—but you can. (And yes, wear the damn dress. You look hot.)

Eve Lim Wei Jia – The Woman Who Was Taught to Be Cautious in Love

My mother is a strong, intelligent career woman who was ahead of her time in many ways. She built a successful career, challenged societal norms for women in her generation, and was widely respected as a role model. However, when it came to intimate relationships, she held more traditional values. She only ever dated once—my father—and that relationship led to marriage. Growing up, this set a clear expectation for me: love should be serious, intentional, and built on deep emotional commitment. From her, I learned that respecting oneself meant being selective and cautious in love, and that intimacy was something to be reserved for the right person.

Naturally, I internalized this belief in my own relationships. I was comfortable spending time with different people and forming connections, but I only pursued romantic and intimate relationships when I truly felt in love. I also absorbed the idea that a “good girl” shouldn’t give herself away too easily, in which that sex should be earned through love and commitment.

In many ways, this mindset served as a form of protection. It helped me establish strong boundaries, preventing me from getting hurt or being taken advantage of when I was younger. However, as I grew older, I also began to recognize its limitations. My over-cautiousness around sex made me hesitant to fully embrace my own desires. I associated intimacy with emotional weight and moral responsibility, which made it difficult to experience pleasure freely. I realized that I was holding onto beliefs that weren’t entirely my own. Instead, they were inherited narratives that no longer aligned with how I wanted to live.

It took time, but I started questioning the rules I had inherited. I reminded myself that sex is a natural human instinct—not something that should be weighed down by guilt or moral judgment.

Letting go of the idea that intimacy had to be strictly tied to love and commitment was liberating. It allowed me to embrace my body, my desires, and my sexuality without guilt or hesitation. This shift didn’t mean abandoning my values, but rather redefining them in a way that felt more authentic to me. By doing so, I’ve been able to experience intimacy as a source of joy, connection, and self-expression on my own terms.

Clementine Liu – The Woman Raised to Challenge Gender Norms

Growing up, my mother’s example was a quiet yet profound lesson in redefining what it means to be feminine, confident, and empowered. As a sports professor at a university, she devoted herself not only to teaching physical fitness to undergraduates and training elite athletes for national competitions but also to living a life that challenged conventional norms. Her everyday attire—a simple sports suit devoid of makeup or high heels—became a powerful statement that beauty and strength are not confined to stereotypical images of femininity.

From an early age, I absorbed her unspoken lessons about self-worth and body acceptance. In secondary school, I vividly recall the day my mum decided to cut my hair short—a gesture that was both practical and symbolic. It wasn’t merely a style choice; it was an act of liberation from society’s rigid expectations of how a girl should look. Clad in neutral clothing and sporting a haircut that defied traditional gender norms, I was quickly labeled a “tomboy” by my peers. Yet, rather than feeling diminished by this label, I began to understand it as an extension of my mother’s ethos: that true confidence comes from embracing one’s authentic self without fear of judgment.

My mother’s professional life also played a crucial role in shaping my perceptions of intimacy and self-worth. As the head of her department—a role in which she led a team comprising more than 70% men—she broke barriers daily. Her leadership was a living testament to the fact that competence and authority are not gendered traits. Watching her navigate boardrooms and manage teams with poise and determination, I learned that women are inherently capable of occupying spaces traditionally dominated by men. This exposure not only cemented my belief in gender equality but also redefined my approach to relationships and intimacy. I came to understand that love and respect are earned through character and ability, rather than appearance or adherence to outdated gender roles.

Moreover, my mother’s influence extended to how I engaged with the world. She encouraged me to form connections with both girls and boys, fostering an environment where I could explore and understand different perspectives on relationships, love, and pleasure. This inclusive approach to social interaction helped me develop a balanced view of intimacy—one that transcended the narrow confines of societal expectations. I learned that our early messages about love, body image, and personal agency are not fixed scripts but evolving narratives that we can reshape with self-acceptance and healing.

In retrospect, my mother’s life was a master class in redefining femininity. Through her everyday actions, she taught me that our bodies and our expressions of sexuality need not adhere to prescribed norms. Instead, by embracing our true selves, we can cultivate a sense of intimacy that is both honest and liberating. Her example continues to inspire me to challenge outdated narratives and build a foundation of self-respect and equality—an invaluable legacy that shapes not only my personal relationships but also my understanding of what it truly means to be a woman in today’s world.

Dr Martha Tara Lee – The Woman Who Turned Confusion into Empowerment

My mother was a strong-willed and successful woman, whose influence on my sexuality ran deeper than I realized for a long time. She often sent conflicting messages—when I wore a spaghetti top as a teenager, she praised me by saying, “Yeah, sexy,” as if being sexualized was desirable. Yet, she also imposed strict limitations, forbidding me from attending my first overnight barbecue while allowing my younger sister to go the following year, claiming we were “different.” She warned me that if I were too tanned, too loud, or too successful, no man would want me. I internalized these fears, leading to confusion and mistakes in my relationships, including marrying a man who expected me to stay in his shadow and subjected me to psychological abuse. My mother’s contradictions left me apprehensive about womanhood and uncertain about self-expression.

Certain memories stay with us in unexpected ways. My mother had an unapologetic comfort with her body—she walked around the house naked, refusing to be ashamed, proudly stating, “This is my house. You both came from my body. I will not be shamed.” Despite being bullied for my baby fat in school, her confidence helped me develop a deep appreciation for my body and a natural comfort with nudity. However, after her mastectomy, everything changed. Though she didn’t cover up entirely, she always concealed the area where her breast once was. The surgery altered more than her appearance—it seemed to shift how she saw herself. Witnessing her resilience in battling breast cancer, especially when I was just 19 and facing the fear of losing her as my life was beginning, deepened my respect for her. Today, I am proud to be her daughter and cherish the smooth, soft skin we both share.

All parents, even with the best intentions, inevitably leave emotional wounds through their unconscious and untrained behaviors. For a long time, I held onto the pain and confusion of my upbringing, but I’ve come to understand that my mother did the best she could with the knowledge and resources she had. Healing required maturity—to forgive, to stop blaming, and to take full responsibility for my growth. Claiming my own identity and deciding my future has been pivotal in unlearning limiting beliefs from my upbringing. As someone committed to personal development and helping others, I have actively worked to rewrite my story. There are many paths to healing our relationship with our sexuality, and it is an ongoing journey. Above all, we must be compassionate with ourselves.

Whether through words or silence, approval or disapproval, our mothers shaped how we saw love, sex, and ourselves. Some lessons we kept. Others we had to fight to unlearn.

For these four women, reclaiming their sexuality wasn’t about rejecting their mothers—it was about redefining their own truth. And for anyone still on that journey, their stories serve as a reminder: you don’t have to follow the rules you were given. You can write your own.

🌿 Your healing journey starts with one step. You don’t have to walk it alone. No matter where you are in your journey, support is available. Connect with us:

🔹 Dr. Martha Tara Lee – www.ErosCoaching.com/profile
🔹 Eve Lim Wei Jia – https://americanboardofsexology.org/sexologist/eve-wei-jia-lim/
🔹 Brightly Abby – @brightly.abby
🔹 Ms. Clementine Liu – https://aspacebetween.com.sg/therapists/clementine-liu

✨ Your journey to healing, self-discovery, and empowerment is valid. You deserve support, understanding, and the freedom to explore your sexuality without shame.