Take back your marriage after baby

Posted On: September 23, 2010

This piece first appeared on AsiaOne Diva.

Now that two has become three with the arrival of your baby, life has changed dramatically. Your wife is not only busy with the responsibilities of a mother, she might also be sore ‘down there’, and fatigued much of the time. She is doing her best, and you contribute what you can. However, in all honesty, you cannot help but long for some couple time, too. Your sexual life as you knew it has gone out the window.

Just what can you do to rekindle your sexual connection?

Support Her
You do your share around the house. However, are you contributing in the manner your wife would like to be supported?

For instance, instead of washing the dishes after every meal, she might prefer you to mop the floors or take out the garbage simply because she cleans up faster than you do or does a better job at it, but is afraid of hurting your feelings by telling you the truth. Have an honest conversation about the amount of support you have been giving her, and how you can do so in the way she most prefers.

Friction over child-rearing matters can also place a strain on your romantic feelings. Parenting can contribute to your closeness as a couple when you recognise and praise your wife for a job well done.

Ask her to do the same. You are a team, and the more you cheer each other on, the more effectively you will develop an “us” mentality, and the better you function as partners for life.

Commit Random Acts of Kindness
It is easy to take each other for granted in the daily hustle and bustle of life.

Pause and remember how fortunate you are to have each other. Be as courteous as before. Surprise her with random acts of kindness that you know will please her. Try sending flowers to her office. Or bring her a healthy takeout meal if she’s stuck at work.

It might, literally, take you only three minutes to make her whole day better.

In short, treat her the way you would like to be treated – with respect, admiration and appreciation. Be an example. Let it start from you.

Find the Off Switch

Once you have ensured she is supported and appreciated, the next step will be to help her get out of the ‘mommy zone’.

It is easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism or over-protectiveness. Being maternal, women are more likely to be comfortable with excessively self-sacrificial behaviour as well.

In addition, your kids will often compete with your wife for your attention. They have no idea that a strong and sexy union with mommy is actually in their best interest. Explore and experiment with the best way to help your wife to get off that treadmill of no rest, and have a time out… with you.

Get Touchy
To rekindle your sexual connection, you will do well by lighting the romantic fire with the little things.

Go to bed together, kiss each other goodnight, or hop into the shower together as often as possible.

Coming to bed together invites physical contact – from holding hands under the blanket, cuddling, to cosy pillow talk. Bedtime smooches will not always lead to anything steamier, but it certainly sends the message that you are right beside her and still find her attractive.

Showering together in your birthday suits is a perfect reminder that marriage is anything but platonic. So start touching each other more, and connect through the little things first.

Enter Lovers’ Lane
To get out of the ‘mommy zone’ and back into lovers’ lane, you could begin by recalling the things that pleases her sexually.

If you do have a young child, what might be some ways you can be lovers at home and in your daily lives? Would it be romantic objects that ease her strained mood yet awaken her senses? Might it be candles? Or could it be essential oils, music, or a massage? Re-igniting sexuality need not be expensive or complicated.

If your efforts do not give you the results you want, do not be disheartened. There are a multitude of possibilities. Continue communicating openly about your desires. With some thought and creativity, little by little, you can make your way back to each other as a couple.

Leave Home
Escaping the house for an evening, a weekend or even longer may be the answer to reclaiming your passion. You do not need to go to an expensive hotel.

Pressed for time? How about a rendezvous that involves a quickie over lunch, or half a day off work at a boutique hotel? It is crucial to get away as a twosome once in a while. It pays dividends in your marriage and family.

Being loved is a big deal. Romance, passion and sex are important components of the glue that holds two people together. Devote time to keeping the engines of your marriage well-oiled. Your kids will survive, I promise.

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 12 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.

Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Resident Sexologist for PinkLifestyle.com; as well appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

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