This article first appeared in the magazine.
How To Rekindle Your Sex Drive: Sex used to be fabulous so what’s going on?
Truth: You are actually still in love and attracted to each other.
Fact: But the sex is missing. Where did your sex drive go?
These are some possible explanations:
1. You have so many things going on that you don’t have the energy for sex
2. Hormonal changes
4. Not feeling close to or supported by partner
5. An unequal power balance in the relationship
6. Lack of sexual confidence
7. Negative beliefs around sex
8. Pain or discomfort around sex
9. Past traumatic sexual experiences
10. Or just not really enjoying it when it happens
What you can do to fix it
Of the ten reasons listed above, the most common one is the first: fatigue. We are stretched and extended in so many ways and directions that our bodies may literally be shutting down.
I encourage my clients to schedule time for physical intimacy – and it does not mean that it has to lead to sex. Scheduling intimacy dates actually allow us to prepare for it. This can be in the form of setting up the room, getting food and props or booking that special hotel room Mentally and emotionally, we can do what we need to be present with our partner – arranging for a babysitter, leaving work earlier, turning off our electronic devices etc.
Putting aside more time for your partner and trying harder to put sex on the agenda is one way. I consider it the more yang way of tackling a problem. The other is really more yin – asking for what you truly need.
I prescribe an examination of one’s lifestyle from sleep patterns, stress level, diet and exercise, and how all these are affecting energy levels through the day, week or even month. From there, it is easy for you to come up your own remedies of one or two things you can embark on, to reclaim your equilibrium and start feeling better.
Often, it is as simple as slowing way down – or at least as much as you can. Instead of doing vigorous sports and pushing your adrenaline levels way up, I recommend gentle activities that can help you slow down mentally (the mind follows the body, and vice versa) such as yoga, walking and meditation.
Sex is not something we want to force ourselves into doing. Sex is what we want to do as an expression of who we are. Hence shouldn’t it come from an overflowing of you – where you are joyous and succulent? Do work through what might be getting in the way and rekindle the connection between you, your interest in sex and the passion you used to have.
Dr Martha Tara Lee is Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. For more, visit www.ErosCoaching.com.