Remember those classmates you had who would discuss test questions and the “right” answers the moment the test was over? They might go around asking the same thing with different people? As they wind themselves up, they might break down crying upon guessing what they must have scored?
I’m not saying this to make fun of them. I’m saying I refused to play in this game and get myself upset back then. It’s not that I didn’t care – it’s that I didn’t see how discussing and worrying about the inevitable made any sense. The test will be marked and the scores will come – guessing what score I earned would only stress me further and drive me mad.
Years later and more informed about how the way we think affects the way we feel, and consequently the way we act, I wonder if these people fixated about what happened (as if anything would change), who have a tendency to compare, and who consistently would wound themselves up into a state are also the same people who continue being stressed about life as adults. Recently I wondered if the people who tend to compare who had the better (bigger/ smaller/ faster) mobile phone/ car/ house/ (imaginary) sex life… were also doing all this comparing as kids? Stress management, practical thinking, and emotional regulation are skills we begin to learn in school (and maybe master through life)!
To this, I like to suggest adopting these mantras:
“Do your best, let go of the rest.” How? TELL yourself to let go. Over time, it really does get easier to let go.
“Do what you can with the constraints you have.” Perhaps it wasn’t your best and you know it… but what has happened has happened. Even though you didn’t do your best, you did do what you could within the limits/ circumstances presented.
“I win when I show up.” Even if you didn’t do your best, didn’t even do what you could, but you did show up (learn something – can be anything), you can still consider yourself a winner! You did what most people won’t – you showed up anyway!
Can you see a lot of the above is positive self-talk or affirmations? Or how one even argue is self-soothing? We need to know how to soothe/ comfort/ heal ourselves… so we don’t get beaten down and we still have the ability to pick ourselves up and carry on. Keep taking back your life, and keep shining! You deserve to be happy, yummy, juicy about life!
GIFT – Sign up for my free online program on letting go of negative emotions Clean & Clear here!
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 10 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
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