Performative vs Pleasure Based Sex

Posted On: May 1, 2021

What does sex mean to you? What type of sex do you think you tend to be having – performative or pleasure based sex OR a combination of both? What type of sex would you prefer? This is a good one to use as a discussion piece with your partner.

Performative-Based Sex   Pleasure-Based Sex
  • Penetration (with a penis, fingers or dildo) is the main act
  • Sex ends with ejaculation
  • Often includes rigid expectations of partners or own body
  • Sexual encounters may feel like you’re following a script or routine
  • May feel anxious about not having an orgasm
  • May feel anxious about not satisfying a partner
  • May include tolerating pain or discomfort
  • Limited clear communication
  • Focus of attention is on thoughts aka “stuck in your head”
  • Includes multiple activities
  • Agreement of what sex includes is decided in collaboration
  • Regular check-ins
  • Orgasm a bonus but not central/ required
  • May include use of all body parts and accessories
  • Arousal allowed to come before desire
  • Does not require or expect anything from any persons body (e.g. no erection, vaginal wetness, specific body type, ability or skill level needed)
  • Ends when any person wants it to end
  • May look different each time or include regular pleasurable activities
  • Focus on physical sensations

Source: Unknown

For relationship and sexuality support, please contact me here.

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee

Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.

She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice for more than 12 years, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. She is also a Red Tent Women’s Circles Facilitator from Star of Ishtar.

Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Resident Sexologist for; as well appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-BetweenOrgasmic YogaFrom Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.

Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.

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