As a Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist, I often get asked by people who are virgins about what they need to consider before having sex. While it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous or anxious about your first time, it’s important to remember that sex is a natural and enjoyable part of life. However, before you take the plunge, there are a few things you should consider to ensure that your first sexual experience is safe, comfortable, and enjoyable.

1. Consent is key: It’s important to understand the concept of consent. Consent means that both partners are willing and enthusiastic about engaging in sexual activity. It’s essential to communicate with your partner and make sure that you’re both on the same page before engaging in any sexual activity. If you’re not comfortable with something, it’s okay to say no.
2. If this is sex before marriage: Reconcile within yourself how having premarital sex sits with you, your culture, and your religion. While sex is a natural and enjoyable part of life, it’s important to consider your personal beliefs and values. If you feel conflicted about having premarital sex, it may be helpful to talk to a trusted friend or family member, or seek advice from a healthcare professional or religious leader.
3. Protection is a must: Using protection is crucial when it comes to having sex. Not only does it prevent unwanted pregnancies, but it also protects against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Make sure you have access to condoms or other forms of protection before engaging in sexual activity.
4. Take things slow: It’s important to take things slow and not rush into anything. Explore each other’s bodies and communicate with your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to have sex – it’s all about what feels good for you and your partner.
5. Code words: Consider establishing separate “stop, slow, continue” code words with your partner e.g. Red, Yellow, Green. This allows you to communicate during sex without breaking the mood or causing discomfort. For example, if something feels uncomfortable or painful, you can use the “stop” word to indicate that you want to stop. If you need your partner to slow down or change their approach, you can use the “slow” word. The “continue” word indicates that everything is going well and you want to keep going.
6. Progressive sessions – not just “do it all” in one: One way to start exploring your body and your partner’s body is through fingering. Fingering can be a great way to explore each other’s bodies and learn what feels good. However, it’s important to remember that fingering should be done gently and slowly, with plenty of lubrication. Start by using one finger and gradually add more fingers as you become more comfortable.
7. When fingering your partner, it’s important to pay attention to their body language and listen to their verbal cues. Ask them what feels good and what doesn’t, and adjust your technique accordingly. Remember that everyone’s body is different, so what works for one person may not work for another.
8. Be prepared for emotions: Sex can be an emotional experience, especially if it’s your first time. It’s normal to feel nervous, anxious, or even overwhelmed. Make sure you’re in a safe and comfortable environment where you can relax and enjoy the experience.
9. Consider the use of lubricants: Lubricant can make sex more comfortable and enjoyable, especially for those who may experience vaginal dryness or discomfort during intercourse. However, choosing the right lubricant can be overwhelming, especially for those who are new to the world of sexual health products. When choosing a lubricant, it’s important to consider your personal needs and preferences. Water-based lubricants are a popular choice as they are safe to use with condoms and sex toys, and are easy to clean up. Silicone-based lubricants are longer-lasting and can be used in water, making them a great option for shower or bath sex. Oil-based lubricants should be avoided as they can weaken condoms and increase the risk of sexually transmitted infections. There are many places where you can buy lubricant, including pharmacies, adult stores, and online retailers. It’s important to choose a reputable retailer and read reviews before making a purchase.
10. Don’t be afraid to ask for help: If you have any questions or concerns about having sex for the first time, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend or family member, or seek advice from a healthcare professional or sex therapist. Remember, there’s no shame in seeking help or advice.

Having sex for the first time can be an exciting and nerve-wracking experience, but it doesn’t have to be. By considering these factors and taking the necessary precautions, you can ensure that your first sexual experience is safe, comfortable, and enjoyable. Remember to communicate with your partner, use protection, take things slow, be prepared for emotions, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

By taking things slow, communicating with your partner, and being aware of your physical and emotional readiness, you can ensure that your first sexual experience is safe, comfortable, and enjoyable. And remember, if you have any questions or concerns, don’t hesitate to come in for a consultation with a sexologist like myself. I specialise in working with people who are new to sex and sexuality and have challenges around it since 2009 (that’s 15 years!)

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee