Many women have never explored self-pleasure or fully understood their sexual needs. The idea of touching yourself can feel unfamiliar, daunting, or wrapped in layers of “shouldn’t” and “couldn’t.” You might worry about hygiene, wonder if your nails are too long, or simply fear hurting yourself. Perhaps you’ve felt those sexual urges but quickly pushed them aside—turning to Netflix, a snack, or social media instead of exploring what those feelings might be trying to tell you.

I understand these hesitations completely.

Understanding your body and what brings you pleasure is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give yourself. And it’s a gift that keeps on giving—flowing into your confidence, your relationships, and your overall sense of well-being.

If you’re feeling hesitant, uncertain, or even a little scared about self-touch, that’s completely normal. Be gentle with yourself. This journey should be about curiosity, not pressure.

Why Self-Pleasure Actually Matters (It’s Not Just About Orgasms)

Pleasure isn’t just about sexual gratification—though that’s certainly a lovely benefit! It’s about connecting with your body on a deeper level.

The science is clear on this. When you experience pleasure, your body releases endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin. These aren’t just feel-good chemicals—they’re powerful mood regulators that reduce stress and create feelings of connection and happiness. It’s like having your own internal pharmacy of well-being!

Yet many of us have been taught to shut down our sexuality rather than approach it with healthy curiosity. We’ve learned that exploring pleasure somehow means losing control.

It doesn’t.

It means reclaiming your right to understand your own body. And it’s never, ever too late to start.

Remember: pleasure is your birthright. Not a luxury. Not something to feel guilty about. Not something you need to “earn” or wait for someone else to give you. It lives within you already, patiently waiting to be acknowledged.

Where to Start: Books That Feel Like a Gentle Hand Holding Yours

If you’re completely new to self-exploration, these books have been lifelines for many women:

1. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski – This book feels like having a wise, funny friend explain how desire actually works and why emotional connection plays such a huge role in arousal. Nagoski breaks down the science without making it feel like a textbook. Online Review: “This book helped me understand that my sexuality is normal, and I don’t need to fit into someone else’s definition of desire.”
2. “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal” by Sheri Winston – Ever wish someone would just give you the owner’s manual to your body? This is it. Winston explains the incredible design of female pleasure in a way that makes you feel awe rather than awkwardness. Online Review: “A game-changer! I had no idea how complex and beautifully designed my body was for pleasure.”
3. “Sex for One” by Betty Dodson – This classic has helped generations of women normalize self-pleasure. Dodson was talking about masturbation and body acceptance long before it was remotely acceptable, and her straightforward guidance feels like permission to explore. Online Review: “Betty Dodson made me realize that pleasure is something I deserve, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to explore it.”
4. “Orgasmic Yoga” by Dr. Martha Tara Lee – My own book combines mindfulness with self-touch, creating a holistic approach that’s about connection as much as sensation. I wrote it for women who want to approach self-exploration thoughtfully and intentionally. Online Review: “I loved how this book combines self-pleasure with mindfulness—it’s not just about orgasm, but about self-awareness.”

Beyond Books: Real Steps for Women

Reading is wonderful, but it’s the doing—the actual practice—that transforms. Here’s how to move from knowledge to experience:

1. Watch My YouTube Channel – I’ve created free educational videos covering sex and sexuality in an open, approachable way. Search for “Dr. Martha Tara Lee” on YouTube to begin your learning journey.
2. Take My Online Course: “Sex and Sexuality 101“ – If you prefer learning step-by-step in private, my online course lets you explore at your own pace, in your own space. It’s designed specifically for beginners who want to understand sexuality fundamentals without feeling overwhelmed.
3. Start with Simple Mindfulness – Before diving into touch, try this: Sit quietly for five minutes with a hand resting on your heart or belly. Just breathe and notice the rise and fall. This simple practice builds body awareness—the foundation of pleasure.
4. Learn Where and How to Touch – The easiest beginning point is the clitoris—it’s the most sensitive external part of the vulva with thousands of nerve endings designed purely for pleasure. Try lightly running your fingers over it, exploring different pressures and movements. Be gentle, take your time, and just notice what feels interesting.
5. Consider a Bullet Vibrator – If manual touch feels too intense or unfamiliar, a small bullet vibrator can be a helpful tool. It’s discreet, non-intimidating, and helps you explore sensations without feeling too vulnerable. Think of it as training wheels for pleasure exploration!
6. Remember: There’s No Rush – Self-exploration isn’t a race to orgasm—it’s about learning your body’s language. Some women take time to feel sensations fully, while others respond quickly. There’s no right timeline.
7. Consider Working with a Guide – Sometimes books and videos aren’t enough, especially if you’re navigating emotional blocks or past experiences that complicate your relationship with pleasure. That’s when personalized support can make all the difference.

Why Some People Choose to Work with a Sexologist

While self-guided learning works wonderfully for many, personalized guidance can be transformative. As a clinical sexologist and relationship counselor, I create a space where nothing is too embarrassing to discuss, no question is “stupid,” and your unique journey is honored.

In private sessions, we can address your specific needs—whether that’s working through cultural messaging that’s held you back, healing from experiences that disconnected you from your body, or simply having someone to check in with as you explore new territory.

The journey to sexual self-discovery can be profound at any age. I’ve seen women discover new dimensions of pleasure and connection they never thought possible, whether they’re in their 20s or their 70s.

Your sexuality is yours to reclaim, nurture, and celebrate, no matter your age or experience level.

Interested in working together? Let’s start a conversation and find the best path for you. Reach out today to book a private session or explore my online resources!

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee