This piece first appeared on AsiaOne Diva.
Now that two has become three with the arrival of your baby, life has changed dramatically. Your wife is not only busy with the responsibilities of a mother, she might also be sore ‘down there’, and fatigued much of the time. She is doing her best, and you contribute what you can. However, in all honesty, you cannot help but long for some couple time, too. Your sexual life as you knew it has gone out the window.
Just what can you do to rekindle your sexual connection?
You do your share around the house. However, are you contributing in the manner your wife would like to be supported?
For instance, instead of washing the dishes after every meal, she might prefer you to mop the floors or take out the garbage simply because she cleans up faster than you do or does a better job at it, but is afraid of hurting your feelings by telling you the truth. Have an honest conversation about the amount of support you have been giving her, and how you can do so in the way she most prefers.
Friction over child-rearing matters can also place a strain on your romantic feelings. Parenting can contribute to your closeness as a couple when you recognise and praise your wife for a job well done.
Ask her to do the same. You are a team, and the more you cheer each other on, the more effectively you will develop an “us” mentality, and the better you function as partners for life.
Commit Random Acts of Kindness
It is easy to take each other for granted in the daily hustle and bustle of life.
Pause and remember how fortunate you are to have each other. Be as courteous as before. Surprise her with random acts of kindness that you know will please her. Try sending flowers to her office. Or bring her a healthy takeout meal if she’s stuck at work.
It might, literally, take you only three minutes to make her whole day better.
In short, treat her the way you would like to be treated – with respect, admiration and appreciation. Be an example. Let it start from you.
Find the Off Switch
Once you have ensured she is supported and appreciated, the next step will be to help her get out of the ‘mommy zone’.
It is easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism or over-protectiveness. Being maternal, women are more likely to be comfortable with excessively self-sacrificial behaviour as well.
In addition, your kids will often compete with your wife for your attention. They have no idea that a strong and sexy union with mommy is actually in their best interest. Explore and experiment with the best way to help your wife to get off that treadmill of no rest, and have a time out… with you.
To rekindle your sexual connection, you will do well by lighting the romantic fire with the little things.
Go to bed together, kiss each other goodnight, or hop into the shower together as often as possible.
Coming to bed together invites physical contact – from holding hands under the blanket, cuddling, to cosy pillow talk. Bedtime smooches will not always lead to anything steamier, but it certainly sends the message that you are right beside her and still find her attractive.
Showering together in your birthday suits is a perfect reminder that marriage is anything but platonic. So start touching each other more, and connect through the little things first.
Enter Lovers’ Lane
To get out of the ‘mommy zone’ and back into lovers’ lane, you could begin by recalling the things that pleases her sexually.
If you do have a young child, what might be some ways you can be lovers at home and in your daily lives? Would it be romantic objects that ease her strained mood yet awaken her senses? Might it be candles? Or could it be essential oils, music, or a massage? Re-igniting sexuality need not be expensive or complicated.
If your efforts do not give you the results you want, do not be disheartened. There are a multitude of possibilities. Continue communicating openly about your desires. With some thought and creativity, little by little, you can make your way back to each other as a couple.
Escaping the house for an evening, a weekend or even longer may be the answer to reclaiming your passion. You do not need to go to an expensive hotel.
Pressed for time? How about a rendezvous that involves a quickie over lunch, or half a day off work at a boutique hotel? It is crucial to get away as a twosome once in a while. It pays dividends in your marriage and family.
Being loved is a big deal. Romance, passion and sex are important components of the glue that holds two people together. Devote time to keeping the engines of your marriage well-oiled. Your kids will survive, I promise.
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Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified
sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. For more, visit www.eroscoaching.com or email firstname.lastname@example.org.