This is an extract of Chapter Eleven of From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms, and Everything In-Between – the third book of Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching published in 2017.
The following are nine suggestions on how you can begin to heighten your awareness of your inner world, and cultivate your sexual energy with tantric practices. From there, you will, in turn, become more comfortable and confident in connecting with your beloved, and—by extension—the world.
- Abdominal breathing: Even though breathing is an automatic act, few of us know how to use our breath to manage the way we feel in our bodies. Connecting with your sexual energies can be as simple as turning your attention inward and just noticing the way you breathe. The deeper you breathe, the more you feel. Place your hand on your stomach and breathe in and out from that place. You might notice that you are taking bigger breaths and feeling more connected to your body. Our breath takes us back to our bodies, and our ability to connect with our bodies is so important. With practice, you can be transported from being in headspace to being in your body in as little as one breath.
- Connect with your core: Rub your palms together, place one hand over your heart, and one hand over your genitals. Feel the heat from your palms radiating over your two power centers, and breathe deeply. Visualize a circuitry between these two places – breathe and feel, breathe and feel, breathe and feel. Over time, you can feel the electric charge between these two places more easily, and more intensely. This is the center of your being, and a big part of where your sexual energies lie.
- Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles: Squeeze the muscles “down there” as if you need to pee. Then, relax those muscles, and repeat. This is one pelvic floor squeeze, also known as Kegel exercises. Squeeze to feel (internally) rather than squeeze tightly as if to show off (externally) – it is not about how hard you squeeze, but how you feel when you squeeze and release these muscles. Through repetition (a suggested 30 times a day), these muscles become stronger, and you can easily and quickly activate your sexual energy with these squeezes.
- Self-pleasure is Queen: Touch yourself in ways that feel good to you. There are no right answers. You can try long strokes and short caresses, kneading, patting, tickling, tapping. Clockwise. Counter clockwise. Touch yourself in places that feel good to you – from your hair, face, ears, neck, chest, breasts, nipples, genitals, thighs, legs, down to your toes.
- Vary your touch: When you touch yourself, increase or decrease the speed, pressure, and rhythm of your touch. Use sex toys or props consisting of fabrics, feathers or the like if you wish. Self-pleasure is about pleasing you and no one else, so do not be afraid to try out lots of new things.
- Experiment with moisture: This includes use of your own saliva, personal lubricants, or oils. Be creative with your senses. You can always use a tissue or wet wipe to clean up, or simply head for the shower.
- Tilt and tuck: We might be exposed to images of pornography performers thrusting during sexual intercourse by doing exaggerated back-and-forth hip movements. But, what looks good on camera does not necessarily feel good. Instead, what feels more pleasurable is if you bend your knees, isolate your pelvic bowl (imagine it as a salad bowl), and rock it back and forth (not side to side). This movement is akin to how belly dancers move, and through practice, one can easily perform tilt and tuck motions quicker than big thrusting movements. Tilting and tucking is another movement that activates the sexual energy at the base of your spin.
- Move!: If all else fails, just move in whatever works for you. Movement helps us to reconnect with our bodies. Exercise and dance are fun ways to return to your body that aren’t explicitly sexual. Yet moving, sweating, and feeling our heart beats connects us with our deepest life force, our sexual energy.
- Make sounds: Most of us masturbate quietly, quickly, and secretly. We don’t make sounds for fear of being heard, being caught, and being shamed. Sound can amplify the way we feel, and magnify sensations and pleasure. Hum, whistle or sing. Yawn, groan, sigh, or shout. Make sounds and feel sound energies vibrating within and out your body. Like movement, sounds are a very elemental way for us to reconnect with our being. You will realize the importance of incorporating sounds in future lovemaking sessions or tantric practices.
What do you think of these nine Tantric practices? Do you have thoughts and ideas about what else could work effectively? With some practice, what might feel weird and awkward may be able to become more natural. With intention and practice, your awareness of your sexual energies will increase, as well as your capacity to have more pleasure in your life.
Psst… if you like these practices, you’d love my second book Orgasmic Yoga available on Amazon http://amzn.to/2wSmusV.
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and completed her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in 2017. In practice for eight years, she is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She is the host of weekly radio show Eros Evolution on the OMTimes Radio Network. She has published three books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga and From Princess to Queen.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.