This is an extract of Chapter One of From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms, and Everything In-Between – the third book of Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching published in 2017.
Regardless of gender, people who are comfortable with their bodies and sexuality are less likely to have difficulties when having sexual relationships with their partner. The saying that, “people who are able to have an orgasm are more likely to have an orgasm with a partner” is certainly true! Also knowing our bodies and what feels good for us, will allow us to be able to easily communicate such things to our partner.
How to get started
- Create a safe space ― Make sure you will have privacy and will not be interrupted.
- Prepare yourself ― Some people have noticed that having a shower or bath helps them to relax. You may wish to dim the lights, turn on relaxing music, or even burn some essential oils.
- Touch for pleasure ― When ready, engage in exploring of your entire body, noticing where and what kind of touch feels good. Use your fingertips to trace the outline of your genitals. Experiment with different kinds of touch – stroking, rubbing, shaking, circling, vibrating, patting, and tapping.
- Give yourself permission ― Allow yourself to feel good. Recognize that any negative emotion that comes up is normal, and that you will feel more comfortable with touching yourself over time.
- Stay present ― Let go of any expectation of the need to go somewhere with the feelings of arousal or to get an orgasm. At times, the stress of the need to have an orgasm will stop you from staying in your body with the sensations, and you will shift from your body into your mind, with worry or anxiety. If this happens just breathe, and refocus on your sensory experience – what can you feel?
- Allow build-up ― When you allow the feelings of arousal to build and just continue, an orgasm may happen. This means take some time or even several attempts before it can happen – as your neuroconnections (the link between the body and mind) is being built i.e. the ability for your brain to tell your body to relax/ release pleasure throughout body.
Remember, there are no side effects of masturbation. Masturbation is safe sex. Should you feel sore, ache or pain on or around your genitals from too much stimulation, slow down or stop.
Psst… Check out my free Masturbation Month resources at https://www.eroscoaching.com/masturbationmonth.
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and completed her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in 2017. In practice for eight years, she is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She is the host of weekly radio show Eros Evolution on the OMTimes Radio Network. She has published three books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga and From Princess to Queen.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.