This is an extract of Chapter Three of From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms, and Everything In-Between – the third book of Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching published in 2017.
Over the last seven years I have worked, in my role as a Sexologist, with more than 400 women with Vaginismus and couples who could not consummate their marriage, sometimes because they did not know how to have sex. Vaginismus happens when a vagina involuntarily tightens making penetration difficult or impossible. The inability to relax, the lack of arousal, and the lack of lubrication are just some of the possible reasons for inability to penetrate.
My advice for Vaginismus clients is also applicable to clients seeking first-time penetrative sex support:
- Mind ― Learn to be comfortable with your sexual anatomy – what goes where, what is what.
- Body ― Learn to be, if not already, comfortable with self-pleasure/ self-touch/ masturbation.
- Heart ― How is the relationship if in one? Can you practice with your partner?
- Kegels ― Pelvic floor exercises can help one in connecting and being comfortable with your body.
- Arousal ― Be physically as aroused as you can be (the body, mind and vagina relaxes).
- Progressive steps ― Slow, progressive insertion practices with arousal, for instance, a small sex toy or a finger, building up slowly.
- Internal awareness ― Focus on listening to your body (stop, slow down, rest, continue).
- Communicate ― Communication needs to be two-way and without blame, shame, or guilt.
- Experiment ― Different fingering techniques, and thrusting methods.
- Angle of penetration – She could try lying on her back with a pillow under her butt to lift her pelvis.
Our arousal comes in the form of waves, and it is good to rest and try again. It is also good to not try continuously, but to break things down into smaller steps i.e. one finger then two, then three, then penis on separate sessions.
This will allow her to get used to the sensation of being penetrated, be unafraid, so that pleasure and orgasm is more likely to happen. It is only when one is in their body and unafraid that pleasure and arousal can really be experienced.
Psst… Watch my YouTube video: How do I have first time sex? http://bit.ly/2eMFKDv
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and completed her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in 2017. In practice for eight years, she is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She is the host of weekly radio show Eros Evolution on the OMTimes Radio Network. She has published three books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga and From Princess to Queen.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.