This is an extract of Chapter Five of From Princess to Queen: Heartbreaks, Heartgasms, and Everything In-Between – the third book of Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching published in 2017.
The best way to get what you want in bed is to ask for it.
However, before you can ask for what it is you want; you need to know what you want. Learn what to ask, how to ask for it, and improve your love life!
- Reality Check: The sexual images we receive in the media might create the belief that a great sex life is easy to attain. Acknowledge that speaking the truth about how we feel can be challenging because of our desire not to hurt, impose upon, or (gasp!) inconvenience our partner. Without honesty, patience, and the ability to be vulnerable, it is not possible to let your loved one know what you like in bed. Also, because your desires and preferences may change over time, sexual communication must be an ever-evolving process, not just a one-time conversation.
- Examine your Sexual Pattern: We are all unique in the way we like to be touched. What one person likes is going to be quite different from the next – from the type of touch, frequency of touch, to intensity and stimulation. Something that feels good one day might not feel the same the next. Examine your current sexual pattern. This involves asking questions like: What usually happens during love making? How about mixing up the order? Or possibly trying one new thing each time you have sex – varying the location, position, or attire? Just one!
- Ask the Right Questions: It can be a turn-off and annoying thing to answer questions every time one have sex. Experiment with when and how you ask those questions and what works best. Explain why you are asking those questions – because you care and want to better please your partner. When you make the effort, your partner is likely to reciprocate by paying more attention to your desires. Begin by touching your partner gently and, while you’re doing so, asking what feels good: ‘Do you enjoy having your nipples squeezed?’ ‘Do you like your neck nibbled upon?’ ‘Is this enough pressure?’
- Be Open-minded and Non-judgmental: We want to feel that our desires are normal and acceptable. Since your partner loves you, your opinion of their sexual desires plays a bigger role than you might realize. You can also help by touching your partner in a way that feels good to them. While you shouldn’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, remember that you shouldn’t make a loved one feel odd or unclean for enjoying those forms of arousal.
Sexual communication is an ongoing process. Improving how one can speak about love-making will increase the closeness of the relationship and make it a happier one!
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and completed her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in 2017. In practice for eight years, she is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She is the host of weekly radio show Eros Evolution on the OMTimes Radio Network. She has published three books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga and From Princess to Queen.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.