This article first appeared on PublicHouse.sg.
In a previous column Masturbation is Self Love, I tackled men’s most commonly asked questions about masturbation. Female readers wrote in with their questions, and my answers are below:
1. I’m married and am a mother to a nine-year-old. I discovered self-loving in my early thirties and have been secretly indulging in it pretty often. I do look at pornography and even use a sex toy to make it more exciting. But after the euphoria fades, my desperate actions make me feel more ashamed. I know that there is nothing wrong with it, but how much of a good thing is too much? I’ve tried to stop but always end up doing it again
It is wonderful that you are able to express your sexuality through self-love. Masturbation is perfectly healthy and an important part of sexual health. A good thing only becomes too much when your behaviour turns compulsive (i.e. you cannot stop yourself and have difficulty in carrying out your daily routine). We certainly don’t worry about eating too much chocolate – our body knows when the indulgence is too much. Be aware of your body – watch for signs of soreness or sensitivity, and slow down if needed. I would explore the reasons why you are feeling ashamed after self-pleasuring and where the guilt stems from. I say, embrace and enjoy!
2. I’m thinking of buying a new sex toy and am pretty confused about all these different types and materials. Dildos, dongs, lay-ons, balls and beads. Phthalate-free, silicon, glass and stainless steel. Where do I start?
Indeed, there is a mind-boggling range of sex toys to navigate when it comes to deciding on your first sex toy. There are actually many sex toys designed for women on the market. Most women I have met do not want gigantic phallic-looking toys and actually find them intimidating. Instead, they prefer smaller vibrators that are discreet and beautifully-designed. You will want to consider your budget, the material, colour, design as well as functionality, including types of pulsation, ability to control the volume, or if it is waterproof. You can visit my website under “Reviews” to compare some of the sex toys I have previously reviewed.
3. I reach orgasm much easier during masturbation than during sex. Does masturbating make it more difficult for me to climax during sex?
Both men and women generally find it easier to attain orgasm during masturbation. This is because they touch themselves or use an object with the exact angle or pressure that brings them over the edge quickly. Also, they tend to be more relaxed when by themselves – experience less performance anxiety, or have no fear of hurting their partner’s feelings. Masturbation does not make it more difficult for you to climax during sex. The reverse is actually true – learning and knowing more about your body – including what type of touch you prefer – is going to help you orgasm more easily in all situations. Go ahead and communicate your preferences to your partner so sex can only get better!
4. During masturbation, I do things alone that I am not comfortable doing with my husband. The very act of doing something naughty or dirty just gives me such a high. Should I try to introduce some of it into our love-making or just keep private things private?
The fact that you are wondering whether you should introduce some of what is ‘naughty’ or ‘dirty’ to you in the bedroom is telling me that you should think about sharing at least some with your husband. They turn you on and your honesty in sharing something that has been in your mind for some time may well encourage him to share what turns him on as well. It is important to differentiate what we fantasize about with reality – and just because we think about something doesn’t mean we want them fulfilled. Being able to discuss your fantasies can help you decide if there are some, or none, of them which you would like to play out in real life with your husband.
5. I usually masturbate by rubbing on the top (or front) wall of my vagina with two fingers. I guess that’s my g-spot and I’ve read that the feeling of needing to urinate is natural and is a sign of high arousal. When I climax, I sometimes spray out a liquid. The funny thing is that it only sprays if I suddenly take out my fingers. It doesn’t happen if I keep on rubbing inside. Almost like my fingers inside are blocking it, waiting to explode when I pull out.
This liquid is more watery than my normal love juices but the amount is much more. So much, in fact, that it’s enough to rub over my breasts and vulva (I like it messy). The smell and taste is different from urine. Is this the fabled female ejaculation?
Work with Martha
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee decided to take it upon herself to right this societal injustice in 2007. She set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality, then launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
Since 2011, she has been (and still is) the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. This accolade is only for those who meet the stringent requirements determined by AASECT, which is the leading professional organization for sexuality educators, sexuality counselors and sex therapists in the United States. In short, she strives to be the one of the best sexologists in the world.
She takes prides in making sure all her events are fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. You can read the testimonials she’s received over years here.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published two books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, and Orgasmic Yoga. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.