This article first appeared on PublicHouse.sg.
As the only certified sexologist and certified sexuality educator in Singapore, there is a wide array of sexuality questions I am asked. However, there are three questions that I continue to be asked, usually worded slightly differently, but the same ones again and again.
They involve a mysterious spot in a woman’s body, whether men have such a spot, and if women urinate during sex. Here are the answers:
1. Does the female G-spot exist?
The existence of the female G-spot (named after Ernst Gräfenberg) is a controversy that rages on to this day. In early January, scientists at King’s College, London, declared that the G-spot does not exist, so women need not feel inadequate. Three weeks later, a group of French gynaecologists launched a counter-attack on what they called a “totalitarian” approach to female sexuality.
The G-spot is also known as the Corpus spongiosum, urethral sponge, and female prostate. Most easily located when the women is sexually aroused, it can often be felt by pressing on the interior front wall of the vagina with a finger or sex toy, and may produce increased pleasurable sensations when stimulated. You need to move your finger in a “come here” motion. Try also thrusting or circular movements. Ask her what feels best. The G-Spot varies in size for different women. It can be about the size of a Singapore five-cent or twenty-cent coin. Rather than be caught up with whether she has a G-spot or not, it is important to remember that there is no single best way to have sex.
2. Do men have a G-spot?
The male G-spot is also known as his prostate gland. It is not in the anus but can be stimulated through the rectal wall, approximately two inches in and facing toward his belly, the prostate gland is a chestnut-sized gland just below the bladder and next to the rectum. After locating his prostate, you can stimulate it to see what he enjoys – whether it is continuous but consistent pressure, flicking it or using a sex toy that vibrates against it.
Some men experience intense orgasms when their prostate glands are stimulated. Others simply enjoy a great deal of pleasure while some men don’t enjoy the sensation at all. Be gentle, and as with anything take your cues from his reactions. He will let you know by his movements and body positioning what he wants.
3. Is there such a thing as the female ejaculation?
The female ejaculation is not a myth or circus trick. We have a bladder and paraurethral glands, both of which can and often do contain fluids. When we put pressure on those areas or the areas surrounding them, that fluid sometimes squirts out. This pressure can be due to how arousal expands things in and around our genitals, and due to actual pressure put by fingers, hands or anything else during sex.
Women who do ejaculate do so due to extensive and targeted G-spot stimulus, internal and external clitoral stimulus, or – and most commonly – a combination of the two. However, this fluid is not urine, even though it’s possible some elements of urine are in the mix, or that sometimes, women ejaculating are actually urinating. Having said that, not all women ejaculate, and even for those who do, most do not ejaculate all the time.
My primary concern is that we do not label people who cannot seem to find their G-spot, man or woman, as “dysfunctional”. Since there is no one single or best way to have sex, please do not ignore everything else, worry about whether one is normal and be fixated about a singular “spot”. However, if you like to learn about your body, try to locate your G-spot, or learn how to ejaculate as a woman, go ahead. What is most important is that you are having fun when doing so.
Work with Martha
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee decided to take it upon herself to right this societal injustice in 2007. She set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality, then launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
Since 2011, she has been (and still is) the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. This accolade is only for those who meet the stringent requirements determined by AASECT, which is the leading professional organization for sexuality educators, sexuality counselors and sex therapists in the United States. In short, she strives to be the one of the best sexologists in the world.
She takes prides in making sure all her events are fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. You can read the testimonials she’s received over years here.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published two books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, and Orgasmic Yoga. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.