I finished reading “High Conflict” by Amanda Ripley in one sitting—on and off over 12 hours—because I just couldn’t put it down. I took notes, highlighted passages, and kept thinking, “Yes, this is exactly what I see in my practice!” As a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist in Singapore, I often work with clients who are stuck in high-conflict situations, whether with their partners, family members, or even within themselves. This book felt like a mirror reflecting back the complexities I encounter daily.

What is High Conflict?

Ripley makes an important distinction between healthy conflict—which can lead to growth and understanding—and high conflict, that all-consuming battle where winning becomes more important than resolution. What resonated most was how often high conflict stems from humiliation, fear, or feeling unseen—emotions I hear about constantly in my counseling room.

The Power of Looping and Active Listening

One technique that particularly struck me was “looping.” It’s a form of active listening where you paraphrase what you’ve heard, not just to confirm understanding but to demonstrate genuine curiosity. It’s not simply repeating words but engaging meaningfully with what the other person is saying. In my 15 years of practice, I’ve always emphasized active listening, but looping adds another dimension. It reinforces empathy, slows down heated exchanges, and helps both parties feel truly heard. I’m already implementing this in my couples sessions, especially with those who struggle to feel understood by each other.

The Role of Conflict Entrepreneurs

I appreciate how Ripley discusses “conflict entrepreneurs”—those who thrive on keeping conflicts alive. They appear not just in politics but in our personal relationships too. I see this in how some clients remain stuck in negative patterns because of external influences—perhaps a family member who inserts themselves into a couple’s issues or a friend who encourages division rather than resolution. Identifying these “entrepreneurs” in our lives can be transformative for anyone trying to break free from destructive cycles.

I Am One of the Exhausted Majority

Ripley mentions “the exhausted majority”—people who aren’t deeply entrenched in polarized views but often avoid conflict, especially political ones. I must admit, that’s me! In my Asian context, I’ve focused on helping individuals and couples find connection rather than engaging in divisive debates. Reading this affirmed that it’s perfectly okay to be part of this majority while still addressing conflicts that matter in meaningful ways.

Why I Recommend This Book

What I value most is how Ripley doesn’t just identify problems but offers practical steps to transform high conflict into healthy engagement. The diverse stories she shares are both inspiring and applicable—showing that change is possible even in seemingly hopeless situations.

I recommend this book to anyone feeling trapped in circular arguments or wanting to better understand transformative conflict resolution. It’s especially valuable for professionals supporting others through conflict. I came away with fresh insights, practical tools, and renewed hope for my clients.

Final Thoughts

This quote from Alison Jamison resonated deeply: “Violence helps the individual to escape the irrelevance of his existence, fills the emptiness of his life and provides him with the heady experience of power over himself and over others.” It captures the appeal of high conflict—how it temporarily fills emptiness but ultimately damages our well-being and relationships.

“High Conflict” isn’t just another book I’ve read—it’s one I’ll return to, reference in workshops, and integrate into my work. It has shifted my perspective on conflict, revealing it not just as a challenge to manage but as an opportunity for deeper connection, healing, and growth.

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee