Have you ever found yourself nodding along when a partner asks “Does this feel good?” even when you’re not sure if it does? Or wondered why certain experiences that seem to excite others leave you feeling… nothing much at all?

If so, you’re in very good company. As a sexuality coach, the most common concern I hear from women isn’t about technique or performance—it’s the quiet confession: “I don’t really know what I like.”

You’re Not Alone (And There’s Nothing Wrong With You)

First, let me reassure you: feeling uncertain about your desires doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. A landmark study by Herbenick et al. (2010) found that a significant majority of women experience this same uncertainty. You’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re certainly not alone in this experience.

What makes this challenge so common?

The Invisible Barriers to Pleasure

Several powerful forces can disconnect us from our authentic desires:

• Limited sex education: Most formal education focuses on biology and risks rather than pleasure, leaving many women without even basic knowledge of their anatomy and its potential for pleasure
• Cultural programming: Many of us were raised with the message that sex is primarily about reproduction or pleasing a partner, not our own satisfaction
• Lack of access to information: Reliable, judgment-free resources about female pleasure remain surprisingly difficult to find, especially in more conservative communities
• The pleasure gap: Research by Frederick et al. (2018) reveals that women consistently report fewer orgasms and less satisfaction than male partners—often because their authentic desires remain unexplored
• The comparison trap: With media constantly showing us performative sexuality, many women worry their real preferences aren’t “normal” enough

These barriers create what I call the “pleasure paradox”: the expectation to enjoy sex without the roadmap to discover what actually brings you enjoyment.

The Missing Piece: Self-Knowledge Before Partner Play

The key insight from contemporary research is this: before mastering partner interaction, developing sexual self-knowledge provides the essential foundation.

But where do you begin if you feel completely disconnected from your desires?

Three Doorways to Desire Discovery

Rather than giving you a comprehensive step-by-step guide (which would require much more space and personalized guidance), here are three starting points to consider:

1. Explore Beyond Direct Sexuality

Your preferences in everyday life offer surprising clues about your erotic wiring:

• What sensations do you seek out or avoid in non-sexual contexts?
• What type of atmosphere helps you feel most present and relaxed?
• What themes or dynamics in stories, films, or music create a flutter of interest?

2. Question Your “Shoulds”

Our internal rulebook often contains invisible barriers to authentic pleasure:

• What beliefs do you hold about what’s “normal” or “appropriate” to desire?
• Whose voice do you hear when you judge certain desires as acceptable or not?
• What would change if you approached exploration with curiosity instead of judgment?

3. Start With Safety, Not Performance

Psychological safety is the foundation of authentic desire. Research by Basson (2000) shows that feeling secure, respected, and free from performance pressure allows natural desire to emerge:

• What would help you feel most comfortable during exploration?
• What boundaries would need to be respected for you to feel truly safe?
• What messages would you need to hear from yourself or a partner?

What Comes Next?

This brief introduction only scratches the surface of sexual self-discovery. True exploration is a journey that unfolds over time, with each insight building on the last.

If you’re ready to dive deeper, professional guidance can provide valuable structure and support for this vulnerable exploration.

At Eros Coaching, we specialize in helping women:

• Move past the “I should like this” trap to discover authentic preferences
• Develop a personalized language of desire and pleasure
• Build confidence in communicating needs without shame or hesitation
• Create experiences based on genuine desire rather than performance or expectation

No matter where you are in your journey of sexual self-discovery, remember this: your desires are as unique as your fingerprint. There is no universal standard for what “should” excite you—only the authentic expression of your sexuality waiting to be discovered.

Ready to begin? Book a confidential consultation and take the first step toward sexual authenticity and confidence.

Book Your Consultation at ErosCoaching.com

References

1. Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51-65. https://doi.org/10.1080/009262300278641
2. Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(1), 273-288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
3. Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Schick, V., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2010). Sexual behavior in the United States: Results from a national probability sample of men and women ages 14-94. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(5), 255-265. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02012.x

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee