In my years as a Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist here in Singapore, one of the most common concerns clients whisper to me is: “Dr. Martha, I sometimes think about other scenarios during sex with my partner. Is something wrong with me?”

I always smile reassuringly and tell them: You are completely normal.

From Childhood Imagination to Adult Fantasies

Remember how adults encouraged your imagination as a child? We were praised for creating imaginary friends and playing make-believe. Our creativity was celebrated as a sign of intelligence and healthy development.

Then something changed. As we entered adulthood, suddenly that same imagination—when applied to sexuality—became something shameful, something to hide.

The truth is, sexual fantasies are simply another expression of the same creative capacity we’ve always had. Research shows that sexual fantasy activates many of the same brain regions involved in general creative thinking.

Is It Common to Fantasize During Sex?

Absolutely! Research confirms:

✔ Over 95% of men and 91% of women report having sexual fantasies (Lehmiller, 2018). ✔ More than 80% of people fantasize about someone other than their partner during sex (Critelli & Bivona, 2008).

Singapore’s conservative cultural landscape means many people keep their fantasies to themselves. I’ve worked with countless clients who felt tremendous relief just hearing that their private thoughts are shared by many others.

When Partners Shame Each Other

Unfortunately, I’ve seen cases where partners react with hurt, anger, or accusations when fantasies are shared. Partners might use words like “disgusting” or “perverted” when hearing about perfectly common fantasies, leaving the sharing partner feeling deeply ashamed.

This kind of shaming response is both harmful and misguided. Fantasies rarely reflect what we actually want to do in real life. Rather, they’re often symbolic expressions of deeper psychological needs.

Common Fantasies: A Nuanced View

Power Dynamics and Surrender: Common Among High-Achievers

Research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people in positions of power and high responsibility were 43% more likely to fantasize about surrendering control during intimate encounters.

Why? Neuroscience offers fascinating insight. A 2015 study found that brain regions associated with executive control actually decrease in activity during sexual arousal. For people whose daily lives demand constant decision-making, fantasies of surrender can offer profound mental relief.

Many executives describe submission fantasies as “the only time my brain truly turns off from responsibility.” This isn’t about wanting to be diminished—it’s about finding psychological balance.

Voyeurism and Exhibitionism: Fantasy vs. Reality

While fantasies about watching others or being watched are common, it’s crucial to distinguish between fantasy and reality. In Singapore, voyeuristic behaviors are serious offenses under the Penal Code. Recent cases, such as the 2022 conviction of a university student for installing cameras in toilets, remind us of the severe legal boundaries between imagination and action.

Research shows that people who healthily explore these fantasies through consensual role-play with partners are actually less likely to engage in inappropriate behaviors.

Group Encounters: The Importance of Consent

Threesome fantasies rank among the most common across genders. However, the fantasy is often far more appealing than the complex reality. Real-life exploration requires exceptional communication skills, emotional security, and explicit consent from all parties involved.

Some Fantasies Are Better Left Imagined

Not all fantasies are meant to be fulfilled—and that’s perfectly fine. Some are literally impossible (supernatural creatures), while others might potentially harm relationships or violate ethical boundaries.

I often tell my clients: “There’s wisdom in knowing which fantasies to keep private.” Sometimes the pleasure lies precisely in the fantasy remaining a fantasy. Just as we can enjoy action movies without wanting to jump off buildings, we can enjoy sexual fantasies without needing to enact them.

Research in cognitive psychology suggests that our brains often derive more pleasure from imagination than from actual experiences. This explains why keeping some fantasies as private mental pleasures can actually maximize their benefit.

What Should You Do If You Have a Sexual Fantasy?

Step 1: Understand Your Fantasy

Ask yourself, “What need might this fantasy be fulfilling?” Is it about control, novelty, emotional connection? Understanding the underlying need often reveals that the fantasy is symbolic rather than literal.

Step 2: Evaluate Its Place in Your Life

Some fantasies are best kept private. Others might be appropriate to share with a trusted partner. The best approach depends on your relationship dynamics, communication patterns, and mutual trust.

Step 3: If Sharing, Choose the Right Context

If you decide to share, timing and approach matter greatly. Choose a relaxed, non-sexual moment, use “I” statements, and emphasize that fantasies don’t reflect dissatisfaction with your current relationship.

Step 4: Respect Boundaries

Remember that neither you nor your partner is obligated to act on any fantasy. Mutual respect means accepting “no” gracefully, while also protecting your own boundaries around what you’re comfortable sharing or enacting.

Should You Feel Ashamed of Your Fantasies?

Unless your fantasies involve non-consensual elements that concern you, there’s no reason for shame. Fantasies are simply another aspect of human imagination—no different in principle from daydreaming about winning the lottery.

Many experience shame due to:

• Cultural conditioning – Growing up where sex wasn’t discussed
• Religious teachings – Emphasis on thought purity
• Partner shaming – Judgment when fantasies are shared

Fantasies as Windows, Not Instructions

Sexual fantasies aren’t something to fear—they are reflections of our unique psychological makeup and creativity. What matters most is how you relate to them—with self-compassion, ethical awareness, and understanding that the mind is a landscape meant for exploration, not judgment.

Ready to Develop a Healthier Relationship with Your Fantasies?

As an AASECT certified sexuality educator and clinical sexologist, I provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore these topics.

Take the Next Step Today

• Individual Consultations: Understand your unique sexual psychology
• Couples Sessions: Learn communication skills for discussing desires
• Workshops: Develop a healthier relationship with fantasy

Book Now: Visit the “Services” section of this website to schedule your confidential consultation.

Sexual wellness includes making peace with your imagination. Let’s transform shame into understanding, judgment into curiosity, and silence into healthy communication.

About Dr. Martha Tara Lee