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I work with many individuals who identify as women and share that they have low or no sex drive. There are many factors linked to this: stress, anxiety, childbirth, relationship dynamics, sexual attitudes, lack of sexuality education, mental health, physical health conditions, and more.
Recently, while speaking at a sexuality workshop, a self-declared sexual wellness advocate in the audience shared something that deeply concerned me. She mentioned that someone had told her they hadn’t experienced sexual desire for two years. Her response?
“Have you heard of Asexuality?”
Without understanding the full context, this well-meaning individual misunderstood what asexuality truly means and offered advice in a way that could have left the other person feeling worse—or unfairly labeled.
I couldn’t hold back.
“Please don’t go around saying that,” I said—though my tone didn’t quite reveal the alarm going off inside me.
She quickly got defensive:
“Obviously I did it in a safe space in a corner and no one was around.”
It may not have mattered who said it, but the fear of potential harm stayed with me. I often feel exasperated by how much damage untrained individuals can cause—even with good intentions. They don’t know what they don’t know. They turn to Google, read a few articles, and suddenly feel empowered to give advice—without understanding the complexity of human sexuality.
So, here’s what I urge you to do: Take everything with a pinch of salt if it’s coming from someone unqualified. Look into their credentials, experience, track record, and any accreditation body backing their expertise before accepting their advice.
(Written on 7 April 2022)
Resources
1. Understanding Asexuality
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AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) – The most widely recognized platform for accurate, respectful information about asexuality.
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What is Asexuality? – The Trevor Project – A youth-friendly resource that explains the spectrum of asexuality.
2. Sexual Desire and Low Libido
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Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski – Explores spontaneous vs. responsive desire, stress, and context in shaping libido.
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The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response – A psychological framework explaining how sexual excitation and inhibition interact (N.B. for clinical or curious readers).
3. Mental and Physical Health Impacts on Desire
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Sexual Problems in Women – Mayo Clinic – Covers stress, trauma, hormones, and more.
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Beyond the Hormones: Understanding Female Sexual Health – ISSWSH – From the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health.
4. Referral
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AASECT Certified Professionals Directory – Find qualified experts. I’m listed as well.
About Dr. Martha Tara Lee
Surrounded by friends who were sexually inhibited and struck by dire lack of positive conversations around sex and sexuality in Singapore, Dr. Martha Tara Lee set out to make a positive difference in embarking on her doctorate in human sexuality before launching Eros Coaching in 2009. Today, she remains dedicated to working with individuals and couples who wish to lead self-actualised and pleasure-filled lives.
She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sex therapy, and her fourth degree – a Masters in Counselling in May 2018. In practice since 2009, she is the only certified sexuality educator and certified sexuality educator supervisor by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore.
Often cited in the media, Dr. Lee is the appointed Clinical Sexologist for Singapore Cancer Society. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published four books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, Orgasmic Yoga, From Princess to Queen and {Un}Inhibited.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. For her full profile, click here. Email her here.
