Growing up in Asian societies, we learned early that sexuality was something to be hidden – a topic so taboo that even asking questions invited judgment. This silence bred shame, confusion, and isolation in us. Yet underneath our collective discomfort lies a universal truth: our sexuality is intrinsically connected to our humanity, our joy, and our healing.

We are four Asian women breaking this silence today. From Malaysia to Singapore, from China to the Philippines, our stories weave together experiences of shame, revelation, and ultimately, liberation. Through our vulnerability, we hope to illuminate a path forward – not just for ourselves, but for anyone who has felt the weight of sexual shame in a culture that often chooses silence over understanding.

Breaking the Silence: Four Asian Women’s Journey from Sexual Shame to Empowerment

Growing up in Asian societies, we learned early that sexuality was something to be hidden – a topic so taboo that even asking questions invited judgment. This silence bred shame, confusion, and isolation in us. Yet underneath our collective discomfort lies a universal truth: our sexuality is intrinsically connected to our humanity, our joy, and our healing.

We are four Asian women breaking this silence today. From Malaysia to Singapore, from China to the Philippines, our stories weave together experiences of shame, revelation, and ultimately, liberation. Through our vulnerability, we hope to illuminate a path forward – not just for ourselves, but for anyone who has felt the weight of sexual shame in a culture that often chooses silence over understanding.

Dr. Martha Tara Lee’s Story – When Childhood Questions Are Met With Silence

The first time I felt deep shame about my body and sexuality was when I was in kindergarten, around 4 or 5 years old. We had a swimming pool that was filled up every Friday. We would look forward to it and run in wearing shorts. There came a time when there was a rumor going around that the girls needed to wear a full-body swimsuit rather than shorts – but no one could explain why. Around that time, my parents started telling my sister and me that we could no longer be naked or half-naked like our dad. When I asked why, my parents wouldn’t answer.

I proceeded to the pool half-naked, wearing shorts. The moment I hit the water, a teacher ran up to me, dragged me out by the arms without a word. I felt humiliated being singled out and completely unsafe. Needless to say, I never went back to the pool again – I didn’t dare to try.

Growing up, I hated not being given answers to my questions. I was a kid and didn’t know everything, and when my questions were met with silence, indifference, or even hostility, it left me confused, scared, and angry. Why was I treated as a pest when I had genuine questions? When did someone else’s discomfort become my problem? How was I supposed to learn if nobody explained such things to me?

I had a lot of anger, confusion, and uncertainty growing up – not just around sexuality-related topics. I was ferried between babysitters a lot and often felt like a burden or unwanted. I was also bullied in school.

What helped me overcome those feelings – which didn’t just disappear when I got older – was finally claiming responsibility for all aspects of my childhood, puberty, and the gaps in between. I took ownership of healing myself. I realized nobody was going to come around and fix me. Ultimately, nobody cares about my well-being more than me – the one living this life.

My parents (or the other caregivers in my life) did what they could with the limited resources they had. If they had known better, they would have done better. I stopped looking for adults or others to answer my questions, to rescue me, or to give me the support I never received. I needed to support myself. What I didn’t understand, I learned. The parts of me that were unhealed, I worked on and healed myself.

This is a big part of why I am drawn to the sacred work of holding space for others and supporting their journeys. I learned that we don’t heal by being rough and hard on ourselves – but through gentleness, compassion, and patience, the very things we didn’t get growing up.

Start by letting go of blame. The people who hurt you likely didn’t know better. Accept that what happened wasn’t your fault, but also recognize that healing is your responsibility. Educate yourself. There are many helpers around – counselors, psychologists, and of course, sexologists like myself, who specialize in sexuality.

Life can be hard, but that doesn’t mean we need to shame ourselves or carry that shame as if it will protect us. We can release it slowly by taking small steps – educating ourselves, seeking support, and making choices that empower us.

I wish society recognized our sexuality as a part of who we are – rather than something separate that only matters during our reproductive years. Our sexuality isn’t the enemy.

Anything left in the darkness can become distorted – shrouded in fear, secrecy, and shame. When we bring it into the light, we see it for what it truly is: a natural part of us, full of healing, pleasure, and joy.

• Relationship Counselor and Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching, Singapore

Eve Lim Wei Jia’s Story – The Day My Body Became a Crime

The first time I felt deep shame about my body and sexuality was when I was 11 years old. It was a sunny afternoon after my tuition class, and I was happily strolling around my neighborhood to buy some fried bananas as an afternoon snack. I was wearing a simple t-shirt and shorts. While waiting at the stall for the vendor to fry the bananas, an older woman walked past me. She seemed annoyed that I was in her way and, in a sharp tone, said, “Dressed like a hiao-po (sexually provocative/ slutty), standing here waiting for a man to pick you up, is it?” Then she walked away without another word.

I remember feeling a rush of heat on my face as her words sank in. I was embarrassed and confused, unable to understand why she would say something so mean and unkind. When I got home, I began to notice the changes in my body from puberty and how my breasts and hips had started to develop. That realization only deepened my shame. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and mortified by her comment, which made me feel as though my body was something to be ashamed of.

I cried in bed that night, overwhelmed by the emotions I couldn’t explain. I didn’t tell anyone about the incident, afraid of being judged or laughed at. It was a moment that left a lasting impact, shaping how I viewed my body and my sense of self.

What helped me overcome those feelings was education. I started by visiting the school library, searching for books about puberty and learning about the changes my body was going through. Understanding what was happening and knowing it was a natural part of growing up made me feel more secure and validated.

Years later, in high school, I began exploring gender-related topics and came across books that discussed discrimination against women. These readings opened my eyes to how society often judges women based on their appearance, creating unrealistic beauty standards that breed insecurity; which was probably the reason why that old lady felt triggered when seeing a young woman. I also learned about the ways women are pitted against each other, fostering unhealthy competition rather than mutual support.

This knowledge was a turning point for me. It helped me see that the shame and insecurity I had felt were not personal failings but the result of societal expectations and biases. Realizing this gave me a profound sense of assurance that it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t alone. By understanding these dynamics, I began to reject the judgments placed on me and appreciate my body for its strength and uniqueness. It allowed me to develop a more compassionate and empowered relationship with myself.

I would say start by educating yourself about the natural changes your body goes through, as I strongly believe knowledge can replace confusion and shame with understanding and confidence.

Fundamentally, we need to recognize that societal beauty standards and judgments often create unnecessary insecurities, and these do not define our worth. Surround ourselves with supportive people and communities that celebrate diversity and self-acceptance. Sharing our feelings with someone we trust can bring relief and reassurance.

By focusing on our strengths, we can remind ourselves that our value lies in who we are, not in how we look or what others say about us. Therefore, be kind to ourselves, practice self-compassion, and remember that we’re not alone as many of us face similar struggles and work towards self-acceptance.

I wish society understood better how deeply harmful it is to judge individuals, especially women, based on their appearance or perceived sexuality. These judgments often stem from entrenched gender biases. It is crucial to recognize that our worth isn’t tied to how we look but to who we are as people.

Additionally, we need to stop pitting women against each other through competition over appearance and instead foster environments of mutual respect and support. By challenging these harmful norms and encouraging open, empathetic conversations, we can build a culture where everyone feels valued and accepted, free from the burden of unjust scrutiny.

Moreover, we need to advocate for gender equality. By raising awareness and challenging societal norms that perpetuate unfair standards and discrimination, we can create a world that values individuals for who they are, rather than how they look or conform to stereotypes. Whether through conversations, education, or standing in solidarity with others, our voices can contribute to a more equitable and compassionate society.

• Mental Health Therapist & Certified Sexologist, Eve Lim Wei Jia, Malaysia
• Psychotherapist & Trainer, Ms. Clementine Liu in private practice, Singapore

Key Themes and Takeaways from Part 1:

• Childhood experiences and lack of answers can create lasting impacts on our relationship with sexuality
• The power of taking responsibility for our own healing journey
• Education as a crucial tool for overcoming shame and confusion
• The importance of understanding that body shame often stems from societal expectations rather than personal failings
• The role of early experiences in shaping our relationship with our bodies and sexuality
• How cultural silence around sexuality affects children’s development and self-image

This is Part 1 of our journey from shame to empowerment. Continue reading Part 2 to discover Brightly Abby and Clementine Liu’s powerful stories of transformation and healing, where we explore themes of body autonomy and breaking professional silence here.

Our stories share a common thread – the journey from silence to voice, from shame to empowerment. Each of us has walked this path, finding our way through education, community, and the courage to question deeply ingrained cultural narratives. We’ve learned that shame thrives in isolation, but begins to dissolve when met with understanding, knowledge, and connection.

If these stories resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. Shame thrives in silence, but healing begins with understanding. How has your journey with sexuality and self-acceptance unfolded? Take a moment to reflect, and if you feel called, share your story or start a conversation. Share your thoughts, experiences, or reflections with us—because healing begins when we break the silence together.

Your story matters too. Whether you’re just beginning to question the shame you carry, or well along your journey of healing, know that you’re not alone. Our sexuality – in all its complexity and beauty – is an integral part of our humanity. It deserves to be honored, understood, and celebrated rather than hidden away in shame.

Ready to begin your own healing journey? Reach out to any of us for support:

Dr. Martha Tara Lee – www.ErosCoaching.com/profile

Eve Lim Wei Jia – https://americanboardofsexology.org/sexologist/eve-wei-jia-lim/

Brightly Abby – @brightly.abby

Ms. Clementine Liu – https://aspacebetween.com.sg/therapists/clementine-liu

Remember: Your journey to sexual healing and empowerment is valid. You deserve support, understanding, and the freedom to explore your sexuality without shame.